This will be the last post on this blog. Its utility has run out, I think. After all, I am no longer, due to the divorce, regularly living with an impostor, and I'm no longer her caregiver, that job having fallen to her younger daughter.
I've been seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist, taking massive doses of antidepressant and anti-anxiety and other drugs in order to better cope.
But that's all over, now. You see, I finally figured it out. It's a wonder it took so long, but I finally realized that nothing really matters in the long run. My wife will die one day, as will I. Her genes will carry on through her children and grand children, at least for a while. Mine won't, because of choices made many years ago, and because of choices made just a few years ago, and because of circumstance. But none of that matters in the long view.
My father taught me to try to look at my current travails from the perspective of ten years in the future. That was good advice. But at this point in my life, there are probably not another ten years for me. So I pushed the boundary out... way out to a hundred years. Then a million years. Then many millions.
Oh, what a fool I've been to think that any decision I make today will make a difference in the long run. I've been living the present without even a nod to the millennia ahead. It is a utilitarian deceit, the first law of self-importance, perhaps. But my problems and I are nothing compared with the great, mindless churning of this earth and the galaxy and universe within which it wheels.
What a fool I have been! And such fools are we all. Hamlet "spoke" of "enterprises of great pitch and moment," but he, too, was trapped in the daily grind. Nothing matters in the long run. Neither you nor I nor any of the billions that have lived and died before us, nor the billions who may live and die yet, will make one iota of a difference in the grand scale. Oh, we can do good or bad; we can help or hurt, and we can bring misery or joy to millions, but this, too, is of no consequence at all as the universe continues its mindless race against time and space.
So, thank you for your readership and your sympathy and attempts to understand and help. I've appreciated it all. But this is the end, now. Another depressed man has written another depressing chronicle of unhappy events in two lives which will soon come to naught. For those of you who take solace in a higher power, take all you can. For those like me, who have none but themselves to look to for solace, fare well. None of it matters.
The end.
